being real
{if you looked it up in the dictionary you would see this picture next to it}
I am a very passive person, and it has always been part of my nature. So when someone cuts in front of me at the grocery store, or if the Mary Kay lady blatantly lies to me about “winning a so called prize” just so she can get into my house and get me to buy stuff, I turn the other cheek. I avoid confrontation at all costs, and I magically transform into a doormat. Call me nice, a little too nice, and too afraid to be anything but that.
My nature wasn’t any different in the hospital, and lucky for them it transformed me into the perfect patient. I rarely asked any questions and just did what they told me to do when they told me to do it. I agreed to do things even when it felt wrong or didn’t make any sense.
I complied to the IV and having to lay in bed during contractions.
I complied to being starved for 21 hours because they weren’t ready to define what was happening as “real” labor or not.
I complied to staying the night, even though they had promised to decide whether I was in active labor my midnight and never did.
I complied when the nurses came in every 30 minutes throughout the night to adjust the three monitors that were digging into my 38wk pregnant with twins belly, leaving me with little to no sleep.
And all of this happened while I wasn’t even in real labor, although I didn’t realize it at the time.
And this was just the beginning.
The bottom line is that a LOT of things that happened to me and my children at the hospital felt VERY WRONG, and I didn’t do anything about it. Blame it on me being a first time mom and not knowing what to expect, or blame it on the respect I have for medical professionals. Blame it on my fear of confrontation or my want to be a good patient and to be like able.
I like to think that I’ve come a long way since then, and I have tried to convince myself that I will never be that passive patient again. I’ve learned so much in the last year and half, and I look at things so differently now. I’m done with having things done to me or my children without my consent, or without any information. I’m done with being the doormat.
Unfortunately my first appointment for this pregnancy had me repeating these same patterns. The nurse practitioner told me they needed to do a “swab” even though I had a current pap. They proceeded without even telling me why they were doing it, or asking me if I wanted to do it. I didn’t realize the error I had made until my drive home. I just started crying and at the time I couldn’t figure out exactly why it made me so upset. It was just a stupid swab…right?
When I got home I did some research on the Internet to find out why they did what they did. Knowing the purpose didn’t really help, because although I was mad at them for not discussing the purpose of it first (aka informed consent), I was really mad at myself for just letting them do it without asking why or whether it was necessary or not. I couldn’t help but feel like a failure all over again.
Coming out of my passive shell is a work in progress, and to be honest I still worry about how I will fare in the hospital setting again. While I have a lot of control over who my immediate birth team will be, I have no control over the nurses and other hospital workers that will also be there. Will they be supportive of my wishes? Will they try the same things they tried last time? Will I be the same passive patient I was last time and end up losing all control? I don’t know…
So I’m arming myself with
research
childbirth prep classes
hynobabies
a supportive health care provider
a great doula
a husband (who is also birth educated)
and faith
that Heavenly Father can make
the seemingly impossible possible
because in the end
He is in control.
We can totally talk more about this tomorrow but I must say wow I would not have pegged you for being a "passive patient".
If you are delivering at Banner Gateway I have heard great things about the nurses and staff there being totally supportive and onboard with your birthplan…I guess I can let you know how it goes first hand here in a few months!
I recall that at our first birth we had a "monitor nazi" but Jessica (our doula) was totally supportive of our wishes and talked to the nurse with us there and talked with her so she agreed to come in every so often. It was nice having another advocate there.
You can do this gal! Don't let your past birth experience overshadow what wonderful things that this birth and baby have to come!
That is tough. I also feel the same way sometimes and I think it's in part that we want to be christ like and kind to others always (with the result being that sometimes we get trampled over). But there is a difference and you know what's best. You can do it Missy and as long as you can be firm and kind, I know the hospital staff will be good to you. And if they aren't- ask for the supervisor! You are their customer… so they need to fulfill your needs.
Next baby I plan to do things differently too. The stupid baby photographer is not allowed to take my baby's photo (or bother us a bazillion times!) and I am only staying one night (so I can actually sleep at home and get more rest). I understand they need to check on their patients, but it is so exhausting to get woken up all night 🙂
I loved this post. I have some of that in me as well.
I think you are going to do great with all that you are arming yourself with!
Thanks for the comments and support:) It's nice to know that I'm not the only mom that has felt this way. I keep telling myself that this time will be better!
Missy, You have described me to a "T". I'm like this in almost every aspect of my life. (okay, maybe all of it.) I was the exact same way with my little girl and just ignored some of the feelings I had about how they were doing things in the hospital. I think a lot of us are like that because we are not very well educated.
I'm sure this time around you'll make sure things go the way YOU want them too. Plus, you've got quit the support system I'm sure. I'm so excited for you and LOVE reading about your journey. I wish so badly I lived closer to a place that would allow me to have such an experience and I regret that I didn't plan things better from the beginning of this second pregnancy. Maybe 3rd times the charm. 🙂
You are amazing and I'm hoping for the best for you!
-Heather
You're going to do great! I can't wait to hear the birth story!
AN old friend of mine shared your blog with me and I LOVE it! I wish there were more out there like this! I really hope you get the birth you are wanting this time around!! With that being said, it sounds like to me you might want to rethink your choice of care providers or let them know up front that you want informed consent before ALL procedures are done. I really liked your post about the midwifery model of care! I believe that a midwife is the way every healthy mom should birth, eventhough, for insurance and monetary reasons, I never had a home birth. I know in your situation you cannot have a midwife attend your birth b/c of AZ state laws, but a Dr can. There are some doctors here in the valley that do home births and I can connect you to some of them! Please feel free to e-mail me at Klarissa_J173@bradleyteacher.com
Heather- Thanks for your comment:) I'm so sorry that you don't have a hospital nearbye that doesn't have a vbac ban. I hope that this next upcoming birth experience is good for you though. I hope you will have all the support you need too:)
Buscando- Thanks for the support;)
Klarissa- Thanks so much for your encouragement, and for reading my posts. I have become a big fan of midwives and I completely agree that they are in most situations the best way to go if you can. I really appreciate your willingness to help!