Saturday night I borrowed a DVD from a friend that was an introduction to a system that helps you identify your energy type. I was excited to find out which one I belonged to because it seems very beneficial to learn more about your tendencies, personality, and sense of style which I desperately need!(This is not the sour part in case you are wondering). It was just an intro, so it went over each type briefly, showing a picture of a woman that was that specific type along with other things in nature that coincided. Type 1 was for bubbly and friendly people that have high energy and a positive outlook on life. Type 3 was the woman who was a very determined and hard worker, and could accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Type 4 was the confident and opinionated woman, who was bold. None of those seemed to fit exactly right. Type 2 was explained as the soft and subtle woman who was very detail oriented and well, a worry wort. A picture of an elderly lady with white hair popped up on the screen and yes you guessed it, that was my energy type. The one I didn’t want to be. Friendly, hard worker or confident sounded great, but mine was the quiet subtle one with the granny picture. Not really what I wanted to hear. From there it all went downwards, not because there is anything necessarily wrong with that type of person, but because I was once again reminded of all the things that I didn’t like about myself. I must say that the video was not to blame at all, as it was very positive, and feeling negative about myself was my own choice.
When I woke up Sunday morning, I tried not to think about what that granny and I had in common. I got ready for church, but I could tell that my emotions were already a little raw. At church, I made an effort to really study the sacrament hymn. I told myself that Jesus Christ died for me personally and that must mean that I am special . As much as I wanted to believe it, I couldn’t. The question “Why?” kept coming to my mind. “Why did Heavenly Father make me this way?” “Why am I so lacking in talents and gifts, and why is it so hard for me to make friends?” “Why do I have to be the quiet boring one?” “Why couldn’t I be the confident one or the one that makes friends easily?” I entered the gospel doctrine room full of men and women and felt like filler. I didn’t contribute, I just filled in the open space. I noticed the people around me. I wished to be that bubbly outgoing woman who gave the lesson, or the strong and confident one who wasn’t afraid to voice her opinion. Envying others talents or gifts only made things worse, and by the next hour, my small shred of happiness had faded. Finding myself close to tears, I left relief society and drove home.
Once there, I talked to Kevin who had left church to put Dallin down for his nap. I poured out my emotions and told him how much I didn’t like myself. How confused I was as to my purpose in this life, because I felt that I had so little to offer. I talked to him about all the things I’m not: the crafter, the fashion queen, the chef, the health nut, the marathon runner, the adventurer, the Martha, the Betty, the college degree achieving, type, and how at times I wonder what I am exactly. Questions like “What makes me special? and ” What do I have to offer?” were repeated over and over in my mind, but try as I could, I could not find an uplifting answer. I told him that all I really know is I’m a mom. I do mom things. I live a mom life. I give most of my day to my three kids, and I come up for air when bedtime comes. Then I stay up late trying to soak up the quiet that is rarely heard in our house. I attempt to socialize via facebook/email/blogging so that I can feel like I have had some connection to the outside world, and then I go to bed. Around 5 or 6am it starts all over again. I told him that what I do every day can be challenging, and there a lot of times that I feel very inadequate. I’ve always wanted to be a mom and have lots of kids, but at times I’ve questioned whether this work was meant for me. I expressed wondering what I was thinking when I thought I could take care of 3 small children, 3 years old and younger, and do a good job of it. I’m the girl who stopped playing a game of rummy as soon as the cards didn’t seem to play in my favor, and boy being a mom of three sure doesn’t play in my favor sometimes. Kevin was as always, a great support and was kind enough to listen and really hear me out. He offered some advice and perspective that helped.
To be honest this last year has been extremely trying, but I tend to keep these kinds of things to myself because yes, I’m the “quiet” type, and I feel so comfy in my little box. There have been several times in the last few months where I have really questioned my ability to be a good mom, and since that has always been my dream and is currently my main calling at this point, feeling that I’m not good at it anymore has sent me into spurts of depression. Days when I would wake up in the morning and just feel sad, really sad. Many times when I didn’t feel at all like myself, and not always knowing why I felt the way I did. Going to bed close to midnight and waking up for Dallin 430am feeding for the last year probably hasn’t helped, as I’m sure that lack of sleep is part of it. Things have gotten better since he is finally sleeping later into the morning, but I would be lying if I said I don’t struggle at times.
I struggle with the job of a wife/homemaker/mom and with feeling that I am not good enough. Seeing all the “supermoms” out there who manage to keep everything together and then some. I struggle with the feeling that I don’t really amount to much as a person, that I’m boring and lack talent and gifts, and that is why I don’t have close friends. After the girls were born I was convinced that the only reason people talked to me was because I had twins, because what else is interesting about me? Every woman I come in contact with seems to have so many amazing gifts and talents that are so obvious, and at times I am intimidated by those who seem to be able to do everything, and do it well. I admire so many of you women out there, and I could probably make a list of your qualities and talents that I wish I could have too.
I know things will get better as I change my perspective and learn to love myself for who I am. For now, I’m OK with just admitting that this phase of my life has its own unique challenge and that I have a lot to work on. I hope to be able to turn some of my weaknesses into strengths, but at the end of the day I hope to be happy with the woman who has never been able to run more than a few miles, or gotten a college degree, who considers herself socially retarded, and isn’t the loudest most interesting person in the room. I have been blessed with the gospel, a great husband, and healthy kids, and I’m so lucky to be a stay at home mom. Even with all that I still feel down at times, as silly as that might seem. I know there are sources of strength that I can call on, whether they be family, the scriptures, conference talks, and ultimately my Heavenly Father, and that gives me hope.
I think all moms feel like that at times. I know I have. I also have heard that going to 3 kids is so much harder (and I'm totally nervous about it).
I was only in your ward for a few months a long time ago, but I remember thinking about you when I would see you at church, "there is no way I could ever talk to her, she is way too beautiful, has gorgeous fashion sense, and is way outta my league. plus she has twins and looks so put together!!" Other things I have noticed since are that you are a beautiful writer. You have a fun sense of humor. You have a sweet relationship with your husband that is rare.
I think we all compare ourselves to each other, and it's the comparison that gets us down EVERY TIME. Of course it looks like every other mom has it together, but we don't see what goes on in her home or her mind.
I'm glad you are so brave to write a post like this. Lots of people try to hide behind feelings like these, but honestly that makes it worse. It's getting it out there to know you aren't alone.
A lot of what you just wrote …i've thought that about myself MANY times!!!! I"m totally a type2 personality and i've always hated it too…being reserved, not wanting to draw attention to myself- i HATE being in spotlight, i totally felt like people only thought i was cool b/c i had cute twins:-not b/c i have a fun amazing personality:) And i always get stuck comparing myself to others wondering why i don't have more friends in our ward (we've been here 2.5yrs for heaven sakes!!!) I always wish i'd finished school too. This year i have found a LOVE for running-its gives me energy to do so much more and helps me in other ways than physically- spiritually, emotionally, etc. Its amazing.
You are a beautiful creative mom:)!!! I love reading your blog. And just being a good, loving, caring MOM really IS whats most important right now- even tho the job really sucks at times, what more important job is there than raising GOOD kids who know you & the Lord love them. I know its hard to always remember that. Priorities, priorities, priorities.
I love reading and hearing words from Prophets and re-reading talks from Conference, Womens General Meeting, etc. They help remind us WHY we are doing this. Pray ALOT …And make sure you get some good timeouts for yourself with just, girlfriends and you & your hub–that always recharges me:)
now i should go back and read and re-read this over and over and do the same:) We should get together sometime too- playdate- or you should come out to craft/sewing night with other mommies (most of time its out in W. Mesa- where we used to live=always fun- tues night always nice to get out of house- even if don't have anything to craft- just to chat)
where are you guys living? We are in gilbert now
The Robinsons says
Missy, I think we all feel this way, we just don't want to admit it out loud. And you just blogged it so you are already one step ahead. I posted on facebook a few days ago my favorite conference talk. It was from RS Session called "Forget-Me-Not" By Pres. Uchtdorf. If you get a chance, listen or read that one. For me, it seriously changed my outlook on things. Heavenly Father knows us all personally.
And you better believe that if I lived close we would still be getting together on a regular basis. If you need a vacation, you can fly up here to me 🙂 I'd love to have you and we could have so much fun!!
I love you and I hope this feeling of inadequacy passes because you are so wonderful. And too soon this "Mom" stage will pass and we will sound like all our moms right now saying, "I wish I would have appreciated it more…"
I hope that didn't sound like I'm trying to solve all your feelings. I just feel this way all the time and these are things I tell myself to help me feel better.
Love ya Missy!
You are brave, honest, beautiful, witty and compassionate. I am so impressed with your post, I never write the hard stuff. I think that is the reason it is so easy to look at others and say, "Oh they have it all." I find you very interesting, it is why I love to read your blog. You have a unique insight into life and a true talent for writing. And I think it goes with out saying, but I will say it any way, you are an excellent Mom. You are my friend! And if there are things you want to change or improve, you can do it, and are smart and capable, and if there is something you want to do, I know you can do it. Hugs to you, we all have days like these.
this post really hit me. i cried as i read it. it felt like you gave words to a lot of the same feelings i have about myself. i would never have guessed that you are one to struggle. but i suppose we all do. you are an amazing woman. i've always been envious of you- going all the way back to HS. you're funny, smart, a talented writer, graceful dancer, thrifting queen and super creative. not to mention tall, thin, blonde and gorgeous! i know this post wasn't meant to fish for compliments, but that's really how i see you.
i get down on myself all the time about how i'm not "________enough". it's really hard to turn those negative thoughts around sometimes. i sometimes wonder why i care so much about the things i do, because heavenly father doesn't care about the latest fashion trends or the cutest craft. the song, have i done any good in the world today" comes to mind. it's something i really need to work on.
thanks for posting this. it's so easy to talk about the good stuff in life, but then we're always left thinking that everyone else is perfect.
Buck up lil' soldier. Is today opposite day because none of what you just said makes sense to me. Here I was thinking that you were near perfection. 🙂 Thank you for sharing with me that even the fabulous (you) freak out sometimes. I find comfort that I've learned that even the energetic and bubbly, the determined and opinionated, and all other personality types cry inconsolably to their husbands . . . my entertainment in the whole thing is my husband trying to actually figure out why I'm crying. Hilarious.
By the way, I'm Type 2 personality as well. We may be grannies, but we're cute grannies.
Love your blog, love Missy. But not in that order.
Gretchen Willmore says
I'm not one to usually post comments, I usually just read the blog. But I definitely feel a comment is in order this time!
Just so you know, I was going through a hard time about a year ago..had a baby and was feeling tired and fat and ugly. Thats when I found your blog. I saw how cute and fit you looked and how humorous your blog is…I wanted to be like that! So, with you as my inspiration, I started to work on it…worked out more, tried to have a positive outlook on life, eventually I found my "good" self again. BECAUSE OF YOU. I know that sounds like creeper or something but its true, and I read your blog faithfully to this day 😉 So thanks! You've had a positive impact on me! Also, you have almost 50 followers. Thats the most I've seen for a personal blog. That means alot of people care about you and what you think. Just sayin.
Being a mom is the hardest job ever! I never realized that till that day actually came.
Sometimes we feel like we are so alone. & it's a struggle to realize that we are never alone. we have such a special job- i have to try to tell myself that ever day. Even though some days i don't want to hear it, i just want to run out the door screaming.
I didn't read through everyone's comments but the few things I saw seem to echo what I was thinking. I have those feelings a lot too. The difference is that I would never have the courage to voice them out loud because if anyone were to disagree with me, and try to say positive things about me, I would feel like they were lying or just trying to "be nice." Kudos to you for being brave and deciding to share.
I'm sorry you have been struggling. Satan tells us lies, pure and simple.
I am including a link to a blog post that you really should read. I don't know what other stronger language to use to convey the importance of reading this blog post. It is really powerful and it will make you cry, but it is totally worth having to redo your eye make-up. http://bravegirlsclub.com/archives/2151
Thanks for having the courage to share the sour too. 🙂
I am not a type 2 personality, but depression is abundant in all types 🙂 I have been to counseling a lot lately. I struggle from other things than you… i struggle that I can't stay home to raise my children. I struggle with guilt that other people are raising my children, i struggle with how much debt i went into in order to go to school so I could not be at home with my children. I walk into church and I feel like I don't fit in because I don't stay at home with my children. Sure there are days I remember my calling and purpose and then there are other days where i loose sight of it all.
going to stake conference on sunday? should we all sit together? my girls would love to play *quietly* with your girls 🙂 we sit in the relief society room, let me know if you want us to save you guys a seat!
I feel like I need to bust out the thank you notes! You ladies are wonderful to take the time to share your thoughts. Thank you for your kind words. Kevin convinced me that I should post this and then had to peel me off of the computer so I wouldn't try and delete it. Baby steps, baby steps…I'm glad I put it out there though, that alone has helped me to feel better. I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling this way, although I'd rather no one have to feel this way period.
Kristen- thanks for your sweet compliments. It's funny how off we can be about how others perceive us. You are so right though, we have no idea what is happening in other mom's minds or homes for the most part. Yet we sometimes convince ourselves that we do. Going to three kids was a challenge, but we moms can do hard things! I'm sure you'll do great.
Beka- we seem to have a lot in common! Thank you for your comments. Sometimes I forget that raising my children is the highest priority at the moment, and that it's a good thing that I'm doing. That is awesome that running has helped you. I should probably put some effort into having an outlet like that. I'd love to have a play date or craft night sometime, although I can't promise that I will produce anything fancy. We are living in south Tempe.
Tiff- You are so sweet! A solo trip sounds so nice right now.Maybe one of these days it will come to pass.I love pres. Uchtdorf's talks! He always has the most meaningful things to say. I will definitely read that one. Sometimes I need to remind myself to enjoy these moments. These kids will be all grown up before we know it.
Liz- thanks for your compliments:) You are always so positive and uplifting.I appreciate your friendship.
Allison- Thanks for your sweet comments:) I admire so many things about you. Belive me, you are one of those moms that I tend to compare myself to because you are AWESOME. You are always up to so many great things, I just can't keep up! You are so right though, and it's a good thing that Heavenly Father doesn't judge us on our ability to make crafty things. I would be in big trouble.
Whit- well I'm glad I'm not the only granny out there:) Thanks for your comment, and for being my friend. Bless our husbands for their patience with our emotional explosions. It must not be very *fun* for them.
Gretchen- Thanks so much for telling me that. It means so much to me! You are so sweet and it is not "creeper-ish" at all! I thought I was already following your blog because I remember commenting on it a while back, but apparently I was not. We must be on the same wave length though because your last post was very similar.It's nice to know you aren't alone:) Your blog is very fun by the way, and I'm glad you are feeling better!
Jen- thanks for your comment. I think I need to post something up that can remind me that what I am doing is good, and good enough!
Ashley- thanks for sharing that link. I read it, and it was amazing. wow. That is something everyone should read!
Brittani- I'm so sorry for your struggles right now. It feels wrong to complain about the challenges of being a SAHM when so many moms wish they could just be a SAHM or a mom period. The grass is always greener on the other side. Yes, we would be happy to sit with you guys on Sunday. We will most likely end up going back and forth between the RS and nursery with our lively herd. The more the merrier. We will see you there:)
Rob and Kimmie says
I have a confession. After reading your picknicking post a while back, I decided I wanted to be a park mom, like you. I saw how fun your cute park pictures were and thought about what fun you must have had with your kiddos, so I started going to the park, right after that! I totally copied you! And it's made me a better, funner mom, like you!
Not only are you a fantastic mom, but you're an amazing writer! I really, truely look forward to reading your blog! Your writing is so real and creative and enjoyable to read! I think you should whould write a book! I'm not even kidding!
I think it's admirable to be exactly who you are! Take it from me,I wish I was more organized and detail oriented because being so laid back and carefree has cost me a lot of chaos, wasted money and crying for dumb, stressed out reasons that could have been prevented.
Also being overly talkative has gotten me into a lot of super awkward moments where I have said really dumb stuff and embarassed myself or annoyed people!
You have so many amazing qualities, and I know it's not always easy to see them in ourselves, but just know that others see them in you!
I always wanted to get to know you better and wanted Noelle and your girls to play more.
Everything about your darling family oozes cuteness and fun!
Also, just today (this is the honest truth), I was talking to Lynnae, and she was trying to describe someone to me that I didn't know, and they said, "She is really pretty."
And I said, "like as pretty as Melissa Johnston?"
So, in addition to all of your other great qualities, people use your name as an adjective to describe prettiness! (:
Teea Lamb says
I know we have never met in person, but I still feel like we're friends, and have been for awhile. 🙂 I was really surprised to read that you feel like this. I had gathered, from your posts, pictures, etc., that you had it all figured out and put together! I LOVE your blog posts and think you are so creative and cleaver. I'm always trying to think of something cleaver to say, and I always think about how your posts are so entertaining. When you started thinking about a VBAC and doing all the research and getting so involved, I read everything you wrote, read your other blog, researched some stuff myself, because I felt like you were speaking to me. My first c-section was horrible, and I experienced a lot of what you described with yours. I wanted something different and I loved reading about your resolve to go natural. I was so jealous I didn't get that chance. But I was amazed at your strength, determination, endurance, planning and preparing, and I just admire you a lot. And its funny you that you say you're not a health nut, or a marathon runner, because I totally thought you were! Your posts are very different from what you just wrote about and I am not saying that to point out that you aren't blogging the truth, I am trying to say that I think you really are those things! 🙂 I think it's too easy to see the shortcomings and all the negatives. But seriously, I would have never guessed you felt this way. I am probably not explaining my feelings very well, but I just had to write and let you know that I truly think you are wonderful! I have been amazed many times at all you do. More than once I have wished I could do some of the things you do. Seriously. And I would never know you are not fashiony, I seriously think you are gorgeous in all your pics. Your hair is always so cute, and you always look great. I know its normal to think these things, and I often feel like I am lacking is so many areas. But you, of all people, really don't need to feel that way! I am so glad you posted this, and I hope it has helped. You are amazing. And I mean it.
Thanks Teea! You are so sweet, and I'm glad that we've become long distance buddies:)I really admire you! When I was thinking of people who had traits I wanted I thought of you and how strong you are through life's challenges. You are real about them and honest, and that's another thing I admire! I try to be real about what I post on here, but I see what you are saying. For example, I try to be a health nut for the most part, but I am comparing myself to the organic eaters or ones who eat plant based, or what not, and I am not at all that much a of a health nut. I guess there is always someone out there that will be more of something, if that makes sense. More fashionable, more athletic etc… Thanks for your compliments, and for your support. I really appreciate it!