I’m now in my 11th week and it’s been an interesting first trimester.I was shocked when I found out I was pregnant. I had my first period and ovulation since Dallin had weaned and BOOM, it happened! We weren’t using any type of contraception, but we were not expecting it to happen so quickly. Immediately birth plans began brewing in my head. I assumed that I would automatically feel great about homebirth this time, and I let that simmer for a while. I had not interviewed any homebirth providers, but I figured heck, I want to know NOW whether homebirth is right for me, and that was a mistake. Ultimately I didn’t feel great about homebirth, which isn’t a surprise thinking back. I had not done my part of interviewing, thinking it out in my mind, praying about my exact plan etc. I was frustrated that I wasn’t getting the answer that I wanted and began feeling really lost about this pregnancy and birth. I felt so unprepared.
Before I had Dallin, I spent YEARS reading and learning everything I could about birth, VBAC, homebirth, hospital birth, interventions, benefits, risks YOU NAME IT! I ate and drank birth stories for lunch, and I read every good birth book I could get my hands on. I had names of midwives, doctors, naturopaths, doulas, and I had a plan. With this baby, I had not done any recent studying or anything, because I really felt like I knew enough.
To make a long story short around 4 weeks, I began having some serious anxiety issues due to this uncertainty and I’m sure other things as well. From the moment I woke up, to the moment I went to sleep I felt like something horrible was going to happen at any moment. It’s like that pit in your stomach when you see your child running towards a busy road. When I woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, it was a challenge to go back to sleep because my mind was racing with worry, but I couldn’t figure out what it was that I was worrying about. It was the weirdest thing feeling so anxious about nothing, and it was awful. I scanned the internet, looking for anything I could find on anxiety during pregnancy. I read some stories and one, in particular, led me to believe that there was a chance that I could feel that anxiety every day for the rest of this pregnancy. Not only that, but I read that most anxiety medications aren’t recommended in the first trimester because they can harm the baby. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn’t take feeling this way for 9 months, I literally wouldn’t survive. That evening I had a nervous breakdown/anxiety attack or whatever you want to call it. I couldn’t stop crying and my breathing was out of control. I felt like I was going to pass out at any moment. Eventually, Kevin was able to calm me down and I was finally able to sleep through the night.
The next morning, I called my midwives office and talked to nurse and midwife about what was going on. They wanted me to come in as soon as I could. The next day I went in and had a good talk with one of the Bethany Midwives. She was so kind and did a great job of listening and asking questions. At the time I really didn’t know why I was feeling anxious and I told her that things were just great at the moment. She reassured me that this was most likely something that would pass quickly, especially since I didn’t have a history of anxiety. She recommended some natural supplements, more exercise, and gave me her cell number in case I needed to talk. She ordered a blood draw to check my thyroid just in case and wanted me back in if things didn’t get better in the next few days. I left feeling a lot of relief, came home to have lunch with Kevin, and had a good chat with him about my current concerns. By the next day, the anxiety was almost gone, and I was so grateful!